Griefy Holidays
Griefy Holidays
The holiday season is such a bittersweet mosaic of unique, tradition-filled, often beautifully complicated moments of connection. Whether connection with self/others that feels nourishing or connection with self/others that is filled with a deep-belly longing. This time of the year makes tangible the dilemma of being human and the art of holding multiple emotions at once. If you are reading this juggling how the blog finds you in this moment, please know you are not alone. Full loving disclosure, this is my 2nd holiday season without the earthly presence of my mother. This blog serves as the unofficial official check-in for us kindred griefy spirits; beings that are entering this holiday season with the heaviness and immense weight of loss. To grieve is to honor the reality that you were loved and loved deeply. If you are looking for a few tips as you journey through this griefy holiday season, this one's for you!
Venerate/honor
My late mother, brother, and I. Soaking in a midwest summer in the ‘90s.
One of the easiest ways to hold space for grief this holiday season is to explore the contours of our own comfort with venerating//honoring our loved one(s) who have transitioned. Traditionally, this may look like using our voice to speak their name, recalling memories in the presence of others without shame/fear of ‘bringing down the cheerful mood,’ storytelling, history tracing, cooking meals they loved, or perfecting a dish they were known for. One of my favorite yearly traditions with my husband is to bake his great grandmothers peach cobbler–a truly decadent moment to savor and remember the spirit of who she was. It has been a gift to watch our toddler lick his fingers in delight as he indulges the workings of his own great great grandmother. Lineage honored in real time. Veneration of loved ones who have transitioned blurs the often stark line between life and death and allows a living, breathing, and moving connection to the spirit of who they were and how who they were has irrevocably changed who you have become.
Remember two things can be true at once. Talk and share often
The hardest part about journeying through grief is often the feelings of being silenced, awkwardness, shame, or fear around sharing your grief during moments of such cheer. Often in Western cultures, after the rituals of honoring and celebrating someone's life the check-ins and phone calls seem to come to a sudden end. Somehow, everyone goes back to a state of normalcy and here you are feeling the frightening darkness of loss incessantly and daily. It is deeply frustrating how saying the names of loved ones who have passed in modern American culture feels skirted away from, especially during the holidays. The “I’m sorry for your loss” often feeling clunky to hold and full of pity. When what we often yearn for is far from pity but instead to feel a genuine curiosity of who our loved one was and how they occupied space while they lived. Listen, two things can be true. You can feel joy and also pain. You can long for and run away from. You can be happy to see your family and friends this season and feel terribly empty. Its the duality that makes us human. Say their names. Speak your truth. Be seen in the all of who you are and in the all of who they were and remain.
Breathe in the present moment
Lastly, take intentional moments to breathe and be with the moments as they come this season. It is easy to find oneself lost in the future (i.e., trying to plan for what may happen without their earthly presence, prepping yourself for conversations with family members, etc.) and also tangled in the past…”I wish I did this different,” “I cant believe I didn't take more time to do that with them.” You are here in this beautiful moment, what will you do with the gift of presence? the gift of sweet rhythmic breath? Love a bit harder? Pay a bit more attention to the voices of those you love? Remember the contours of your partners smile? Feel the weight of your legs nestled into the sofa?…… you are here. you are here.
Wherever this blog finds you on your grief journey I hope that this blog served as a soothing cup of warm tea as you travel. I hope the warmth fills your soul in the most nourishing of ways. I see you. This season may be filled with nuanced dual emotions… how can you venerate, speak their names, and be present?
So so so much griefy love,
C