Blog 3: Boundaries
Happy Thanksgiving-Eve;
As the holiday season draws near there is a physical sensation of change. Pace lessens, weather shifts, the leaves darken and fall, evenings grow longer, daylight escapes quicker, and people scurry to homes distant and embodied.
Growing up I always loved watching the classic movie by Sydney Poitier entitled Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (1967) I was always struck by the scene when John came to dinner and had a confrontation with his father
“You've said what you had to say. You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life? So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! … you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad. You don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life, you will never understand.”
Who can relate to this epic scene? If you have felt the desire to stand up in the middle of everyone devouring dressing, collard greens, and yams and scream this at the top of your lungs, this blog is for you.
Traveling home for the holidays is deeply complex. Minus the bounty of food, cozy sweaters, spiced cider, family albums, and laughter; holidays and family can bring up a number of uncomfortable feelings and memories. Journeying home is an embodied journey that transcends time and space. We pack (curating our outfits and image we want to portray), we book our travel, and we go… Almost like clockwork we fall back into communication patterns, roles, and in many ways simply just “play the game” of what it means to occupy space in your interwoven family unit.
So you’re traveling home for the holidays? And maybe don’t want to have a “John moment” in the middle of dinner? How do you stay sane?
One word: B O U N D A R I E S:
Give honor to the embodied journey
If you are anticipating a stressful re-union with family take some time before your travels to rest. Go to sleep an hour or so early. Log out of social media. Play your favorite music. Drink water. Eat your favorite meal/snacks. Nurture your body and mind.
Also, nestled within the intentional caring of self; spend some time getting still, quiet, and dwell with the thoughts/sensations/fears that come racing while you sit. Remember they are valid, each and everyone of them. Dont rush them to be quiet or logically rationalize them away—allow them space, acknowledge their presence, speak back to them. “I hear you”
Listen to your body
Indeed our bodies keep epic score. I’ve taught Psychology 101 a few times and my favorite part of the course is when we discuss the nervous system and the natural + automatic ways in which our bodies respond, adapt, gear up, and/or protect us from our environments; all under the level of our conscious awareness (the gene-enviornment interaction + the sympathetic nervous system are wild!)
Perhaps our stomach does flips, our heart races, our eyes begin to water, our mind goes blank, or arm goes numb… Listen to your gut, your heartbeat, and the quickening or slowing of your breath while you are in communication or in the presence of others/spaces/rooms. Take note of these sensations… if need be take a break, walk to the bathroom. place your hand to the rupturing body system and say “I hear you”
Stake claim/draw lines in the sand
Draw lines in the sand for your own humanity, journey, and embodied realities. I love doing inner child work with clients who have complex family dynamics. When you watch a 2-3 year old interact with the worlds around them, they go through life open, in charge, and unafraid of speaking their little minds. They are quick to openly cry, express disgust, lay down for a nap, or say “stop!”
As we grow we slowly tear away from this toddler energy. Through the years we learn the nuances of our family systems, the dynamics within, we assume and fall into various roles, and become conditioned to “being nice” or “just dealing with it…”
If in the process of being home/around family for the holidays, you’ve given honor to your embodied journey, listened to your body’s messages, the next step is to stake your claim. It could look like this:
“I really am enjoying catching up with you but I am unable to continue gossiping about them”
“I am doing well, thanks for asking! My love life is a personal part of me that I hold close and I’d like to keep that private”
“I need to take a break, I will be back in a few minutes”
“This topic is making me uncomfortable, can we shift? I’d love to continue connecting with you!”
“Are you comfortable with a fist bump instead?”
Also what is equally important: respect the boundaries put in place by those around you! We are all on unique and diverse journeys of healing and wellness.
Remember: What has been normed doesn’t have to remain the norm. Generational cycles, patterns, and roles can stop with us. Give honor to the embodied journey, listen to your body, and stake claim/ draw lines in the sand.
Guess who’s coming to dinner?! SELF AWARENESS + B O U N D A R I E S!
Be well + happy holidays
love + light,
c